


Comedy Central: Richie Tozier

by SpicyReyes



Category: IT (2019), IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Comedian Richie Tozier, Eddie Lived, Humor, M/M, Post-Canon, coming out story, its not explained but thats a fact
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 13:33:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21037037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpicyReyes/pseuds/SpicyReyes
Summary: Transcript of Richie Tozier's 30 minute comedy special episode, in which he talks sexuality, coming out, and fickle memories.





	Comedy Central: Richie Tozier

**Author's Note:**

> I want more content about Richie being famous so here ya go  
the format is Weird but the idea came to me and wouldnt let me Rest

[Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Richie Tozier!]

“Hey! Hey, how’s everybody tonight?” 

[audience cheering] 

“I dunno why I asked that. They’re recording this, tonight, so most of the people I just talked to can’t say shit to me.” [audience laughing] “Not that the rest of you can say shit to me, either, really, but that’s less physics and more just ‘Trashmouth’s an asshole.’ Which, honestly, most aspects of my life boil down to ‘Trashmouth’s an asshole.’” 

[audience laughing]

“I’m pretty sure the conversation that takes place every time I do anything is just ‘hey, why’s this shit all fucked up? Oh, Tozier was here?’” [gestures] “‘Say no more.’”

[audience laughing]

“My boyfriend - oh, yeah, shocker, by the way, turns out I’m super fucking gay.”

[audience cheering]

“I say ‘turns out’ because I only came out, like, two months ago. And I didn’t- I didn’t  _ warn  _ anybody, either, by the way. I didn’t sit all my friends down and be like, hey, this is a thing, I’m gonna need your support for this, I’m gonna be going through an emotional- No, fuck that, what am I, a pussy? I walked onto a talk show without saying a word to anybody and was like ‘Yeah, no, no girlfriend, I’ve actually liked dudes since the original  _ Heathers.’”  _

[audience laughing] 

“Other kids in middle school are like, ‘hey, let’s watch  _ Heathers _ and get our dicks out over Winona Ryder.’ And my bitch ass is in the background, like, ‘…are we watching the same movie? Christian Slater is  _ right there,  _ guys.’” [audience laughing] “So, yeah, super gay. And I say this on national TV, sort of out of nowhere, and it blows up, right? Everybody freaks out. It’s a huge deal. Everybody has their opinion on big gay Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier. And it occurs to me after, like, the  _ seventh  _ or so phone call, that maybe-” [laughing] “Maybe I should have- should’ve, I dunno, maybe come out to-...literally anybody, first?”

[audience laughing]

“God, I wish I was joking. I didn’t tell  _ anybody.  _ The very first time I said the words ‘I’m gay’ were on TV. I got a call, like, two hours after the show aired- and it wasn’t live, by the way, which means I went home from that anxious as fuck, and didn’t even hear about it until two full days later, and I get a call while I’m eating a Hungry Man dinner on my sofa and drinking directly out of a bottle of wine like a savage-” [audience laughing] “-And I answer the call and it’s my friend Beverly, one of my best friends, and I answer the phone like ‘Sup, bitch’ because that’s the kind of friends I have-” [audience laughing] “-And, just-” [laughing] “She just immediately comes back with, ‘Should I be worried?’ And I’m thrown for a second, because I don’t think about the show, I didn’t remember it aired that day, and even if I did, that’s not the first thing I’d think of with ‘should I be worried?’ No, my first thought is, Bev’s having fucking prophetic dreams again-”

[audience laughing] 

“-The ‘again’ there is deliberate, by the way, but that’s a whole fuckin’ other story-” [audience laughing] “Anyway, my first thought is, Bev can totally see me right now, eating lukewarm mac n’ cheese off a warped plastic tray in my underwear, binging on a shitty rose like a desperate housewife. Bev can see this, and she’s judging me, and it’s  _ justified,  _ because rose isn’t even good wine, really.” 

[audience laughing]

“So I try to play it off, right, I’m like, ‘No, no, why would you possibly need to be worried? I’ve only had, like, a third of this bottle, I’m  _ fine.’  _ And there’s- [laughing] there’s this long pause on the other end of the line, where I’m starting to get real nervous, and Bev comes back, ‘I was talking about that time you spend like twenty minutes telling my fiance that he grew up to be hot. What-’”

[audience laughing]

“‘What are  _ you  _ talking about?’ And now we’re both confused, because- Okay, let me be clear, her fiance is smokin’-” [audience laughing] “But I mostly mentioned it because I grew up with the guy, and of all of us in our little friend group, all us losers, he’s the only one that had a glow up like that. Bev’s always been gorgeous, Bill’s cute, Mike’s cute, Ben’s the only one that went from  _ average  _ to  _ hot,  _ and he went all the way, baby. It’s just unfair.”

[audience laughing]

“But, Ben getting hot, that’s not the point of the call. So me and Bev go back and forth for a bit, and eventually I get out of her that she was just watching this show, and I remember the interview. I’m like ‘oh, shit,’ because I totally forgot I came out on TV. Y’know, as you do.”

[audience laughing]

“I can forget anything, man. I’ve forgotten so much shit, but this was probably the second biggest thing I’ve ever forgotten.” [pause] “If you’re wondering, hey, what’s the  _ first, _ don’t worry. I’m getting to that. Anyway, Bev, she goes through all the normal supportive friend shit, telling me she’s proud of me and she loves me and generally making me throw up in my mouth a little, all that. And I get off the phone with her ready to take a fuckin’ bath, and boom, another call, and this one’s Mike. And, listen, I love Mike. I love all my friends, I’d fucking die for them, but I’m taking phone call after phone call from them, and I want to strangle every single one of them. Coming out was an impulse, and a bad one, and all the supportive love and affection is making me nauseous. And then! I get the worst call. Worst possible call.”

[pause]

“I get a call from one of my friends, from this same group of loveable assholes, who I’ve known since middle school. And it just so happens that this guy was my first major gay crush - y’know, wanting to fuck Christian Slater aside -” [audience laughing] “-and that was way back in middle school. And if you’re thinking, ‘oh, Richie is  _ forty,  _ middle school was ages ago, he totally got over that,’ I’m about to break your heart. Cause- [laughing] Cause, this is the stupid shit, right? That’s the first biggest thing I ever forgot. I’m not fucking kidding. I moved out of my hometown and didn’t have contact with this guy for a while, and I fucking  _ forgot  _ about my big stupid crush and, honestly, being gay at all. I just thought I was really picky about women or something, I dunno. Then I saw this guy again about a year ago, and just went, ‘oh, shit.’”

[audience laughing]

“So, yeah, I’m dealing with  _ that,  _ and I get a call from the guy, and I’m literally holding my breath. I’m so terrified of what this guy is about to say. I’m thinking he’s gonna be  _ pissed,  _ right, because I never told him, I never told anybody, this was a stupid way to start off - and then this fucking guy goes, ‘Hey, Trashmouth, do you hire a bodyguard for your shows?’ ...What?  _ What?  _ What the fuck does that mean? And that’s exactly what I ask. I ask, ‘What the fuck, Eddie?’ and he starts- deadass starts talking about crime statistics in LA, how much more likely I am to get the shit kicked out of me in the street now, whatever. That’s his input. And if you’re thinking, man, that guy sounds like an asshole, joke’s on you. He is. He is absolutely an asshole. He’s an asshole, and I love him, and he is the boyfriend I mentioned at the beginning of the show, actually.”

[audience cheering]

“Don’t ask how we managed that, I have no fucking idea. I’m pretty sure he’s planning my murder as we speak. The other day we had a fucking twenty minute argument that started because I asked how many olives you’d need to put in a martini to make it count as cereal.”

[audience laughing]

“For the record, we decided that the answer is, enough to start stacking on top of each other, and Richie being banned from his bedroom while Eddie has post-argument mandatory quiet time.” 

[audience laughing] 

“So, yeah, short form, I’m gay as fuck, I love my boyfriend, we’re both a huge pair of dicks, which works out for us, because, surprise! Gay as fuck. Dicks are our thing, really.”

[audience laughing/cheering]

“That’s the hook for me to step down, so I’m gonna let you guys get on with your night. You’ve been great, thanks.” 

[end of episode]


End file.
